As a young girl growing up, i always heard my older siblings friends say how beautiful I was and how I would even be more beautiful when I grew up. as a five, six year old, such comments often left me blushing and running off to play but I guess when you hear something repeated to you over and over again, you end up believing its true and that’s what i did. I never at any point doubted that I was beautiful. I still don’t. With hearing it growing up and then combining that with Psalms 139 and especially verse 14, I became the most beautiful girl alive,in my world and it did not matter what anyone else thought. God had my back and so the rest of the human race could take their otherwise opinions elsewhere for all I cared.
I told myself that I was not going to let a man define. As a teenager, I saw enough girls’ confidence being broken just because a guy they fancied did not find them that attractive. Growing up with boys, 5 brothers to be precise, i ended up having them as my main competitors and hence, and so I cared nothing much for guys. Anyway, maybe it is because,without even trying,i still managed to attract a number.
I needed to give that background before I fast forward. I am beautiful and I will not apologize for it because i did not send God a description of how I wanted to look like and I doubt my parents did either. So,if you have an issue,take it up with God.I shall not be apologetic because you have a low self-esteem and hence try to bring me down to your level by calling me names and spreading rumors about me. I will not even bother with you. Talk all you want,it is free but i shall not allow a smile to be robbed from me because someone who is insecure about her looks said something about me.I paid too much attention to such in high school and it only led to my detriment.I shall not let anyone else rob me of the abundant life Christ died to give me because they are insecure and instead I will quote Miss Keri Hillsong don’t hate me coz I’m beautiful.That said,let me say goodbye to the next madness that I have been harbouring.
I have had my fair share of issues and mainly with my self-esteem.Sounds ironical that I am just from bashing people with low self esteem while seemingly I suffer from it myself?Well,mine was a result of letting those who chose to bring me down to actually bring down.A new school,looking for acceptance only to be rejected,and having threats on your life,well,I know I had a choice but at that point,I was feeling a bit helpless so I succumbed.It was like the whole school had ganged against me,ok,I had a few friends but a drop of water in a sea…really?Now that I am out, I know I could have handled it differently but hey,I still learned some valuable lessons.
So,because of my low self esteem, after high school I started dating like crazy.I thought that a man would fill the emptiness I felt inside.So having someone who ‘loved’ me and that highly of me gave false confidence which of course never lasted long and I changed them boys every so often.Well, being that God has blessed me with beauty and I believe brains,I have always been able to capture a lot of male attention and for a while,I rode on that.I had some famous people hit on me and I sort of drew some satisfaction from sharing it with my girlfriends,as if to prove a point to them,only I do not know what point exactly.And so for so long I let men treat as they wished as long as I had their company and they had my numbers,I was sorted.Ok,none of them ever physically abused me or anything,just that I let myself be treated like a door mat all in the name of having a man like me.So,I did that for a while because I never did miss an admirer at any one point,until I met the man who changed all that but his story will come later.
So,I am done.I am done letting men define me.I am done to seek their approval.I ma done.I shall not follow a man and do his bidding just because he is a household name or because I have a crush on them because it has finally sank in.That only God can give me real identity.Only he can define me and no one else.And so,I am done.I do not care if you worship the ground I walk on,I will not let myself be a slave to another man ever.I am done.God loves me just as I am and he has blessed me with a man who equally loves me for me and not just because I look good on his arm.I choose to be content with what I have and where I’m at.I will love him with all that I am and the rest can watch on the sidelines for all I care because I am taking my confidence back and this time round,I won’t let it go.I am done.