I am scared.To write about some things that have been stored so neatly far away that need to be let go of yet i know this will free me of a lot of baggage.It is all very personal but again,maybe someone else will get some encouragement from reading my own issues and struggles.and so I will write.Though I know I will step on some toes,I will write away….I am not apologetic.That’s what I have been since all these happened but no more.You hurt me,you hurt me and im afraid if Im not real with myself then I will forever be a prisoner of these things that drowned me to the bottom of the sea.I have played victim for so long…not any more.This is my confession…..
Dear Ng’iya Girls High School,
The school that I feel robbed me of my teenage hood.Ok,you just messed up with it so badly that it is a time Id rather not remember but I figured for me to move on,I have to go back to this place and feel the emotions all over then let go!
My first year with you I think was the worst.I guess it’s because I was new and could not understand why I was receiving so much negativity.Some of the people I knew said it must have been because of my beauty.Well,I had watched movies of girls ganging up against another but I never thought or imagined I could be one of those.Well,if true it was to do with my beauty,back then I may have been apologetic,right now,I am beautiful,no,drop dead gorgeous and know what,no amout of words can change that.
The gossips kept rising with every rising sun and I just wondered what on God’s green earth I had done to be your target?That is an answer I have never gotten an answer to.I do not know what your aim was but what you did succeed in doing is make me shrink back and become a puppet of sorts.You succeeded in making me lose my self esteem and view myself as a lesser person.The names you called me,the threats you made of poisoning and burning me,they all made me live life like a scared little thing.I mean,I thought it was bluffing but again,you just never know what human beings are capable.So yes,you tore me apart and I was barely surviving.The tears I cried every night,only God knows.But I pulled through ok.I am still alive and eating life with a big spoon and once I’m done with this letter,I will be free of the terrible past that my high school life caused me.
It is still here that I learned no one is perfect.Not even those who call themselves Christians(note, I call myself that as well)For the longest time I thought (and still think) that the Church is supposed to be a refuge for the lost and wounded souls but at Ng’iya,I learned something different as the same people I thought I could depend on turned against me,behind my back.I was broken but it just made me look at things differently.So thank you.
If you were from this school and you happen to read this and you happen to be one of the people who worked at making my life hell and especially the letters that were always left in my locker,I know it may not matter to you,but I forgive you.I forgive each and every one of you.Does that mean,I am faultless or blameless?not at all.I made my mistakes.I agree and own up.And even in this process,I forgive myself.
This is my confection.I had a pretty messed up teenage hood,was even suicidal at some point but I made it through.Through God’s grace I made it.And though for the longest time even after high school I still was a prisoner of these experiences,I am glad to be at this point today,of actually facing my past and its demons and saying goodbye and not in a rushed manner to get it done with and over with…nope.I shed the last tears over this yesterday.Like literally I wept and with the tears,this part of my past was washed away.This letter is my stamp and now it will be ready for postage to the land of no return.Someone once said something to the tune of if you can conquer yourself then you will have won the greatest of all wars.Conquering yourself comes from you looking at yourself and dealing with you honestly.That’s what I am doing.After I realized that all this while,it is that wounded teenager that has been running the show in my life and i have been wondering why my life has been such a mess.Oh well,lessons are there to be learned and I think I have learned mine and one of the most important of them all is do not be sorry for being who you are.Do not apologize to anyone.You are special just as you are.And we all make mistakes ,the only difference is usually,some will learn and move on while others will beat themselves up and remain stagnant at that same point,never moving on.The choice is yours.I carried this experience with me for what up to 5years and I just cannot afford it anymore.I am ready to let go.
This is just one of the roots of my past that I am uprooting.I think it was the main root,so the rest will be like a piece of cake!So well,you won’t wish away things from your past and make them go away.You have to face them and deal with them and only then will you be able to be truly free.
It is not an easy path.It is not something that can be rushed.Everyone has their own time and their own limits,when you just decide enough is enough.I’m only saying that the sooner you choose to deal with your past issues,the brighter your present and future will be.