It is amazing how some of the most random conversations end up being one of the most eye opening ones. I had one of those today and it has set certain things in motion.There was something that I thought I had dealt with and that it was a part of my past only for me to realize it has been lurking in the shadows all the while.It has infiltrated my every part of being and has camouflaged itself so well that I hardly notice it.It will rear it’s head once in a while and then hide again.I have been played all this while and I did not even know!
Disclaimer! They say that as a writer, you always write about your life, it is true but being that you have the ability to imagine, you can create a whole separate fairy tale from your ideal life and I have been victim.I am the champion for advocating for self belief and self worth and self acceptance and today I realized I am not drinking the water I preach.Apologies.
I grew up and became a perfectionist!My parents retired when I was thirteen and they moved back upcountry and I was left in the care of my older siblings and in my mind I though there was a problem with me.Don’t we all sometimes or always just make life and circumstances around it about us when at times, actually most times it has nothing to do with us?So, anyway,I took that very separate and independent act and made it about me and it did not look good.I got compared quite a while to my peers who seemed to have it together and I rarely got that pat on the shoulder when I did something I thought was good and so I made the conclusion that this was because I had not done them well and so the idea that only perfect things get applauded was born.And I have said it over and over again that perfection is a deadly disease.It eats at you slowly by robbing you off the joys and pleasures of the little and simple things in life.Perfection does not allow you to laugh at your mistakes; it instead turns you into a critique and a very difficult person to please!Nothing is ever good enough because perfection is an illusion;a mirage that you will never quite capture.Sigh!
Back to my story.Family is the cradle of the society.It is where you learn how to relate with people and so the foundations you get are important.So, being that no one had time to encourage me or pat me when need me at home, I figured no stranger ever would,of course unless I am perfect.And so the disease got place to thrive.I have always compared myself to my peers and somehow I am the one who always falls short.When I finished high school and because of financial constraints could not join University like my peers,it made me feel like I was less of a person.It was so bad that I started distancing myself from them coz I thought they were way better than me and I would not have anything of importance to talk to them about.I short changed myself because they never said it.It was all in my head.My best friend talked to me and reminded me that we all have our different paths and our scripts are not the same and what makes the movie ‘Life’ beautiful, is everyone playing their part and sticking to their roles.She pointed out the fact that I was already working as a different experience all together and that none was better or worse than the other, just different.I dealt with that,accepted my fate and moved on,or so I thought.
Talking to my friend today revealed the pattern of selling myself short still existed because I do not have much confidence in myself.When there is a possibility of something good happen to me,I ask,’why me?’ and the question I should be asking, I believe is, ‘why not me?’I have allowed a number of opportunities to pass me by because I thought I did not deserve the possibility of something awesome happening to me. I have done this in my career,in my relationship, in basically every are of my life.It shows in the way I let others lord over me without them knowing; in the way I will cower when I am with someone I think is better than me and then I am not able to really express myself because the confidence has been sucked out while on the other hand, people who know me and have interacted with me believe I am an awesome person!I just don’t see that when I look in the mirror!
Part of me right now feels a bit ashamed over the silly decisions I have made simply because I did not think much of myself yet I advocate for self belief every single day of my life but well, feeling bad about stuff I cannot change will not do much for me, now will it?There is no need crying over spilled milk.The important thing is to pick myself up and learn from my mistakes and become a better person; to allow those dark moments to be lessons for living today better.Now,being that this mentality has been built over the years,it shall not take a day to get over it but every step in the opposite direction is a step further from it.So,game on.