Today,I wish I could disappear.I wish I could change my number;move to a new place where no one knows me and start afresh.I feel like I have made one too many mistakes.I have lost some amazing friendships,I have been involved in some complicated relationships.I still have some awesome friends in my life but it really is not about them,is it?Its not about the people I’ve met and lost or met and kept.It’s about me and the life that God has entrusted me with and what I do with it daily.Every decision I make today affects my tomorrow;it changes how my tomorrow looks like and that’s really what’s up.So what choices am I making today?
Allowing myself to be the place where people can come and forget about their worries and have a good time.I behave like I am a drug;and like a drug,I am a temporal situation to some;a feel good solution when nothing is working or when people want to take the steam off their crazy lives.I have been playing that role well because as much as I shout it outside,I don’t believe in my worth.I lower my standards so that other people can validate me because somehow I think I need it.
Don’t get me wrong,I know it all in theory,actually I can get you from where I am to where you will love yourself in a matter of seconds,(exaggeration intended) but I cannot do that for myself.I am not that amazing friend to myself and I’m afraid I’m not sure I know how to be one;to myself.
Take this blog for example.It still surprises me when I get new followers,despite the fact that my writing has been applauded since I was like 12.My English teachers have somehow always used my writings as an example in school but still,I get surprised.It could be the whole being modest thing;not wanting it all to get to my head but I don’t think that’s it for me.
My closest friends seem to be far and busy and I feel like I can no longer access them as easily as I used before.So does that mean I am the only one who cares that much?I doubt it;I think what it is is I value people more than I value myself and so I easily betray myself to be there for others.
I write coz it frees me.I love writing because it has been the one ‘friend’ that has always been there;in good and bad times;always readily available.Writing is never too busy that I can’t reach it and yet,it is also a mirror.It shows me the true refelection of myself or at least what I think that is.It mirrors what I feel inside that at times I cannot say in words.Speech is very difficult for me.Id choose written over spoken word every day and probably because it feels like a safe place.
I am afraid of heartbreaks;afraid of upsetting the status quo,so I just play along,in roles that don’t really work for me.I play along because I am afraid of ruffling feathers and not being able to deal with the aftermath.The fear of the unknown imprisons me in the comfort of the known that most often than not is detrimental to my existence.
What is happiness to me?It is the state of being comfortable in my own skin and not being apologetic about it.And what is it not?happiness is not being dependent on outside forces to feel okay.
I know what I need to do.Question is,am I brave enough to deal with the aftermath that will follow?Truth,I don’t know.