Love…

I am a romantic. I love all things love. I am always rooting for love to win, even while watching a movie or series, who’s fate has already been decided, I still find myself wishing that so and so would just figure out they are each other’s soul mate and move on. I love love. It is a beautiful thing and also one of the thing that can cause pain that you never even imagined possible!

I have loved and been loved. The first time I allowed myself to love someone, he ended up cheating on me and I was hurt, don’t get me wrong but I loved the version of me when I had an object to express my love to that I decided I would never shut my door to love. I found it amazing to be able to just care so deeply about someone else that was not related to me.  Love fascinates me.

I also know there is imposter love. This is love that is self-seeking and self-serving. This is not love. Love is patient and kind. I can use this to measure the “love” people share and so many couples will fall short. I know I have, on countless occasions. (I have been in a number of relationships; don’t judge me). I have experienced the imposter love where it was all about me and my needs and wants and as long as a man stopped meeting those, well, hit the road, Jack!

Breaking of an engagement exposed me and my flawed thoughts about love. It is the one experience that keeps giving in my life. It made me a better person. Because even though I loved my ex, in my own weird way, I fell short in how I expressed it and after walking out and after I stopped demonizing him and took a closer look at myself, and owning up to my own stuff, I decided that I would not do imposter love anymore. Now I know it.

For as long as love is about me, then I do not deserve to drag someone’s son through my mess, at least until I figure it out. Love only works, in my opinion, when it is given, and given without expectations. And I know just because I love someone does not mean they will love me back, and that is OK. At least love got to grow in me. Every time I love, it leaves me a better person. 

I hold myself accountable against 1 Cor 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres 

Until my love can pass the above test, I do not think I have any business telling anyone I love them!

Imperfectous.

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